Funny Drug Testing Stories

Here are a few funny and unusual stories from real drug testing incidents. If you know anything about drug testing and the consequences of trying to cheat the system you’re sure to know better than make these mistakes yourself.

More Instructions Necessary: An undergraduate at a university was asked to undergo a physical, complete with a drug test. He was handed an envelope and asked to put the sample in the envelope, which meant he had to urinate in one of the bottles provided in the sample room and the bottle was to be placed inside the envelope. The confused college student inferred that he was to urinate in the envelope itself. Needless to say the nurse was more than a little startled to be handed the envelope.

Drug Testing Kits

A Little Something Extra:  As many of us know the drug testing process is very clear on its rules. Pockets are emptied, coats taken off and the process is often witnessed by a drug test supervisor. At some locations, this also means that the subject is asked to submit to a hernia check. When one gentleman came in for drug testing at a company that conducts this process, an empty medication bottle fell out of his underwear. Although it was a clear attempt to cheat the system, the man insisted that he was innocent and that was where he regularly carried his medication!

The Microwave Penis: A couple walked into a convenience store in Pennsylvania and asked the clerk at the counter to microwave what looked like a severed male member; turned out it was a fake one used to convey another person’s urine to drug testing. The pair were arrested after the clerk called police revealing that the woman had planned to use the device (filled with her male partner’s urine) to pass a urine drug test and wanted it to be at least close to body temp for that purpose.

A Painful Alibi: A man in Washington knew that drug testing was planned for the following day at his place of employment and concocted a scheme to evade going in. He called his employer that day to call off claiming that he’d been shot by a passerby in a car. As it turns out he had been shot. The employee knew that he’d have to come up with serious proof for the alibi and asked his friend to shoot him to evade the drug test. Both men were arrested for the incident.

It’s My Girlfriend’s Fault: A Police officer in New York came back positive for cocaine after a hair based drug test. When he was told, he claimed that he had no drugs in his system and that the only way the drug test could have come up positive was through oral sex he’d had with his girlfriend. The officer claimed that his girlfriend confessed that she’d used the drug earlier. The pair broke up shortly after the drug test result and his subsequent dismissal.

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